Lunar Fullness Approaches, Granny starts to transform

It’s full moon tomorrow and I am dreading it. Already Granny is starting to make those strange caterwauling sounds that pre-empt her transformation to werechicken form. Her beak has been showing signs of lengthening and when I watched her painting her talons a vicious red yesterday, I could see they’d already taken on a savage werechicken look.

I’ve been running around like a lunatic (not to want to put too fine a point on said word) trying to find ways to contain the fallout. Aunt Aggie has assured me that she will sit with Granny when the change occurs and will chant mantras and invoke spells to keep Granny calm. Frankly, I’m not convinced about the efficacy of any of that. I know from previous experience that not even a straitjacket and a comfy padded cell can contain Granny at full moon.

As for Chicken Man I’ve taken the precaution of packing him off to a distant land. He’s one of those rare humans whom I plan to take back with me to Novapulse as part of my social reconditioning experiment so I really don’t want Granny shredding him to bits. Besides, he’s an effective part of my cover and I would hate to have to go through the bother of finding another “mate” – especially one who could understand and tolerate feathers all over the bed in moulting season.

At this stage all I can advise the rest of you is to stop eating chicken, go vegetarian, stop wearing leather and, if you are a chicken farmer, change careers now and set all your chickens free. If no one is willing to follow this advice then be it on your own heads.

I’ve done all I can to find ways of restraining Granny but I have to say I have no idea how the Earth’s moon will affect her. As I’ve said before, on Novapulse at full moon, if she is not contained, she runs amok and has been known to attack prominent political figures with whom she does not see eye to eye. Given that she’s already expressed a strong distaste for certain Earth political figures, one in particular, goodness alone only knows what she might do.

All I can say is that carnivores, chicken farmers and politicians are at risk tomorrow night.

Don’t say you haven’t been warned.