On Lardity

Okay, so we know I don't support this skinny anorexic model thing, but likewise, I confess to having issues with human obesity too. It's these extremes that slay me.

Why, I have to ask myself, can't humans just find a nice balance somewhere in the middle. Not too thin, not too fat. Is it too much to ask?

If you run a Google news search you'll find planet Earth is not just a few fat people short of a vast vat of lard, but that there's a raging epidemic happening. In fact, it's so bad that it's now known as globesity. I kid you not. We are not talking here of a few plump ladies in a Reubens's painting. Governments, health authorities and schools are all looking at multifaceted approaches for tackling fatness. That's saying something. The statistics are staggering. And what I want to know is why don't humans take responsibility for their own lardiness, why must the less fat tax payer end up carrying the burden - and a heavy one it is at that. Oooomph.

Now I don't want people telling me they can't help being corpulent puddings - babies are not born fat - they grow fat. I mean what do you expect if you drink mayonaise milkshakes, snarf down five quarter-pounders topped with vanilla ice cream, French fries dipped in strawberry cream, jelly with mayonnaise , consume buckets rather than a single piece of, god forbid, fried chicken (ba-kaaaaaaaaaaaak! actually, anyone eating fried chicken and growing lardy gets what they deserve) and fail to exercise. (Yes, yes, I hear you Megaroll, legs just to chubby to be able to move effectively, weight too great to run the risk of squashing the treadmill).

Let's face it when food energy intake exceeds energy expenditure, fat cells throughout the body take in the energy and store it as fat. So, here's a hint. Eat less, exercise more. You'd think it would be common sense. Only we know, common sense ain't that big amongst homosapiens. It seems that not even the threat of death will deter the great snarfer from his MacFeast.

Personally I blame it entirely on the Draconians in charge of that big block of land between the Pacific and Atlantic oceans. They were the ones, after all, who invented and popularised (through cunning marketing campaigns) hamburgers, hot dogs, fast foods, fried foods, milkshakes and junk food. And then they took their magic recipe and spread it throughout the world. So now not only are Americans ponderous butterballs, but so's everyone else - even populations and cultures that have never found tubbiness appealing. Suddenly there are great wobbly globs of humans waddling around all over the place. I wonder, has any stopped to think of the added stress placed on the Earth's crust? And then everyone wonders why Mother Earth keeps sending earthquakes, hurricanes and tsunamis. Hello, folks, she's trying to shake you off her back.

I don't know about you, but as a fairly small being when I'm in my human suit, I can think of nothing worse than being squelched between two overweight Michelin people on public transport. They ooze all over the place and you end up feeling like the single skinny slice of tomato in a well-greased doorstop sandwich. Eeeurgh.

And here's something for you to ponder: considering all that blubber how do fat people manage to wipe their bums? Do they use a sponge on a stick? Does someone else have to do it for them? Sumo wrestlers sure do get help. (Now, wouldn't you just love to be a sumo apprentice...) It's no wonder that that wash your bum toilet gizmo is so popular in America - all too fat to wipe their own butts, so they let the old bog do it for them. Personally, I feel sorry for Johnny Porcelain.

Then here's this other thing that keeps popping into my mind. How do fat people procreate? I mean, really, how on earth do they manage to shag? The good ol' missionary position surely can't work. She lies down, a mountain of flowing flesh, he wobbles on top of her, a giant gooey meringue - how, unless he's got an appendage three foot long can he possibly get it right? If anyone has any answers, please let Granny know, she'll include it in her research. Meanwhile, I'll be directing Granny here and here.

Ba-kaaaaak!