Birth of mankind

Well I'm back - and gasping as usual. It seems these days it's only the size of the gasps that differ.

And what am I snarking on about this time, you're wondering. Well I'll tell you: Birth.

First of all let me tell you about laying eggs. It's a nice, neat procedure that causes hens to coo. There's no pain, no mess and it's all very gentile - a bit of panting aside. The egg, being the shape it is, slides smoothly out the cloaca (and the cloaca, you know, is the most economical of orifices dealing with pee, poo and eggs... Hmm, did someone just go eeuurgh? Shame on you.) It's all over and done with in half a minute.

Now while I realise humans don't lay eggs, I figured that like most other animals (you are animals, you do know that, don't you?), your birth process was a simple and straightforward one. After all, if an elephant, after 22 months of gestating, simply has to squat and push and it's all over in five minutes, then surely it's that much easier for humans? Seems I was badly wrong.

I had the grave misfortune whilst undercover to witness the most terrifying and violent of scenes. A human birth.

There I was, minding my own business in the mall when suddenly I had heard a gasp and glancing up I saw a small ocean rushing towards me.
"Wha'?!" I exclaimed staring at the rotund woman to my left who was behaving like a waterfall.
"Ah," said Chicken Man, "her waters have broken."
"Is it serious?" I asked, "Must we call the Sea Rescue Institute?"
"No, silly," said Chicken Man, "It just means she's ready to give birth."
"And she pees all over the floor to do so. What's she giving birth to, a nuclear submarine?"
Chicken Man shook his head. "It's the amniotic fluid," he said.
Urgh.

The next moment the woman's face contorted and she shrieked. "Oh my god, it's starting!"
Her husband went into an immediate panic.
"What's starting," I asked, my feathers all standing on end.
"Her labour," said Chicken Man.
"What? She's going out to work when she's about to have a baby?"
"No, it's the start of the birthing process - we call the contractions, labour."
"Really? I wonder why that is.... How long does this process last."
"Depends if she's given birth before - a couple of hours to oh, well, thirteen, fourteen hours."
"13 hours - oh the Corncob! And she pulls faces like that and screams all the way through.... No wonder they call it labour."
"Tell you what," said Chicken Man, "we'll find a DVD and you can watch the whole process."
Frankly, I wasn't sure I wanted to. The woman to my left was being bundled away on a gurney, screeching blue murder.

But watch the birth process I did and I swear I shall be scarred for life. It's no small wonder humans are the violent species they are. The whole business of coming into the world is one of the most traumatic things I've ever had the misfortune to witness.

First of all the woman lies on a bed in the most compromising and unnatural of positions. Frankly, I'd have thought squatting was a more sensible position to adopt, but hey, I'm just a Chicken. Not only does she lie there, legs apart, sweat pouring off her face, her hair hanging like sodden rats' tails around her head, but she's also screaming obscenities to anyone who comes close to her. The person who seems to bear the brunt of this is her husband - but the midwife, the doctor and the nurse don't get off scott-free- though why all these extraneous others are necessary is beyond me - other species manage perfectly well all alone.

But no, the human female lies there screeching, "Ooooooow! Pain, Pain! Get this fucking thing out of me now! I'll kill you, you fucking bastard," she bellows, glowering at her husband, "It's all your fucking fault, you miserable son of a bitch! Aaaaaaaaaargh!

What finally follows amidst more colourful screaming and mayhem, is a bloody mess and slime and through it all emerges the small human. And in time-honoured tradition the poor small innocent human is given a hearty smack. Yep, welcome to life on Earth, pal. There's more of that to come.

Really, it's no small wonder given the savagery of human birth that humans turn out the way they do... Shame on you.

Ba-kaaaak!